This morning I got more bad medical news on top of the bad medical news I got earlier this week about my knee and my pelvic floor surgeries. Now, my left hand's carpal tunnel is bad to the point I'm having trouble gripping things. Unfortunately, I can't find anyone to fill the prescription for the brace that is supposed to stop the pain. It took a week to get the conductivity test scheduled and when they called me back, they can't see me until November.
And where do I put all this down? How do I carry all this? I can't work and now I will be incapacitated physically for a while. Don't get me wrong. Hopefully, this will be the end of the surgeries for a while, but damn. I miss my old house. I miss my old family. I miss my sister so much.
This morning, I described Dorian's death as someone taking a trackhoe and digging up a room in my house--foundation and all. I keep going to the room, expecting something to be there, but there is nothing but memories of how the room used to look and feel when I walked into it. I have the things from the room--her things. But not her. I went to that room during my darkest times previously. The room with my sister--where I was safe with ANY secret and I was loved and accepted no matter what. It was a room I had planned to retire to and take care of for the rest of my life. Dorian always struggled. I always figured the end of my life would be spent taking care of her and the land.
Now it's just the land and saying goodbye to my parent's earthly coil. It's like there is nothing to live forward for in my family. My family. My four person unit that stood against the world for 48 yers is down to three--and two of those three are nearing their end. I want that end to be good for them. I really do.
I just don't know where I fit into all of it. And I don't know how to rebuild my house--or if I should rebuild--maybe I should remodel--with a new floor plan.
One of the best pieces of advice I got when Dorian passed was that “everything will seem wrong for about three months…maybe longer.” That prediction was dead on.
For three May 20th until a few weeks ago, nothing has felt right. Everything was uncomfortable: eating, sleeping, drinking, existing. It was all just dumb and stupid and there was really no point an any of it and I kinda hated it all. I went to Mississippi and moved into Dorian’s old room (super hard) and began learning how to care for the farm and her inhabitants. I think it was the best decision I could make to move home temporarily and I appreciate all the sacrifices my husband (the great Fat Man) made to make my burden easier to carry. I am impressed and in awe actually! I came home to the house in a state of renovation and improvement.
I also have to point out that my friends and family at this time have been tremendous. All the Gretna folks and friends from the democrats volunteer group have really put forth an amazing effort to make sure I’m supported with texts and positive communication.
What’s next seems to be the biggest question.
Well, I’ll admit it. I purchased this amazing iPad Aire 4 in 2020 and have yet to “bond” with it and make it my official and all inclusive device. Barriers for me? Well, I’m trying to publish a few things and I want to use google extensions to research the genres I want to write in. I looked and extensions “totally work” on iPads. But, it’s not as straight forward an integration as they would want folks to believe. So, I’ve yet to get that figured out. This blog post is the result of 40 minutes trying to get Weebly to do what I wanted—what used to be a ten minute thing. Apps are just so vastly different from website portals. And that’s okay, but is slowing my expected publishing process. Which is cool. I’ve got enough coming up with classes at OLLI to worry about making a living from writing.
The OLLI class thing is actually really cool and exciting. It’s a “newbie” class to iOS (iPad and iPhone) I’m designing for the “more mature” crowd. We will focus on getting our phones to do what we want when we want them to. Starting with the General tab and moving through reminders and basic photo manipulation, it’s designed to be a phone basics class and cover just enough to make folks curious and want to learn more about what their phones can do.
Other things going on: Yes, new puppy named Mr. Lucky Dog. I call him Lux for short and he gives Sadie a run for her money. Daddy is hoping to foster a new horse named Teddy from Homeward Horse and Hound, and I’m still moving in between Omaha and Moselle monthly.
If you’re reading, thank you. This has been a tough road, but I have very rarely ever felt alone. Thanks you for your thoughts prayers and positive energy. Drop me a line and let me know what’s up with you and when’s a good time to come visit (now that I’m a hobo without a job).