Okay. This is raw Santha.

I am just stuck.  I don’t want to write and I’m feeling discouraged.  It’s soo hard to focus when my body is acting like a little bitch.  My surgery on the first is healing slowly, but it has absolutely devastated me physically and mentally.  Like, if I sit up too much, I’m in pain type of devastation.  It is so limiting that I’m running out of ways to distract myself.  

If I watch a movie, I feel lazy.  If I sit up and write, I feel like I’m not doing anything (I also don’t know what to write about.  Or how to start).

I keep telling myself I need to write 2k words a day.  I can’t even make it to 1k because I’m having trouble descending into scenes.  I think the reason for that is the lack of the outline phase the do the bigger (40-80 page) stories.  

Maybe if had an outline for a one-hour romance.  I really need to read a few to figure out the formula, but when I do, I just feel all icky.  Like I don’t want to read.  I think I’m just fussy right now.  I’ve got a heating pad on my stomach and it helps, I just hate it.  It is so much work being sick.

I have been missing Dorian so badly lately.  Oh, sis.  Where are ya?  

When I get into my crying jags, is see her in my mind’s eye giving me a hug–coming from my left side. Like I’m sitting and she just leans over me and covers me with her arms and snuggles my hair and face.  Just like sisters do.  My best friend.  My other half.  Gone. gone. Gone.  

I think I may need to do some grief work if this is taking up so much of my time.  But it’s taking up time when I’m sick.  It’s like I’m choosing to kick myself in the stomach while I’m down.  

Momma always tells me it’s because it’s one of the only times I’m still enough to stop and think and that my mind is overthinking because I can’t work.  

That’s true.  I know it.  But I miss her so much it makes my bones ache.  Fucking no lie.  When I feel her sometimes, it actually physically hurts my body. Like my soul ripping from my body.  

I want to stop doing that and be present in the love and joy of my life right now.  I’m not working (super stressed about Christmas gifts this year and money in general–we have enough right now, but our cushion is gone and we need it back.  I got the job at Ollie, but it is not paying enough to keep me.  I’ll have to add the sub work–and I’m scared too–a new experience and all.  Don’t get me wrong, those kids wouldn’t know what hit them.  I’d be fine–It’s just not what I want my focus to be. 


But what if my focus right now (starting off in the self-publication arena) isn’t right?  I can teach.  I’m good at teaching and for a large part, it if effortless.  The writing game is all new and I’m not sure what the next steps to take.  I’m sure the DD thing would be good on discourse.  But I’m reluctant to take new things because the old things haven’t worked.  

I'm reluctant because I don’t know what I want to do yet.  I know I want to make money by writing–but I don’t know if I have the formula right in my head yet.  


Maybe an ARC group and develop the book funnel angle.  

Oh,  and I need to publish the bundle-wide and then publish on different platforms.

Maybe I’ll focus there today.  I wrote this bundle to get out and now it’s out.  Time to tell the world.  That can be enough for today and maybe I can figure out how and what to write next.