I realized I was dyslexic before college where I was “tested” by a friend in education. I’m so dyslexic that when I taught English, would warn my students that the more nervous or anxious I got infront of the class, the more I would mispell on the board and that pointing those mispelled words out was cool because they could help me proofread. I mean, they were just sitting there, It was the least they could do.
What this uniintentionally did was let everyone off the hook from perfection. Should a teacher write mispelled words on the board? Absolutely not. Should a teacher worry so much about the spellings of words that she doesn’t teach? Absolutely not.
We live in an age where the mystic of “being a good speller means I’m smart” has been dispelled mostly to the younger generation. Why be impressed with being abel to memorize when the entire world has been at your fingertips your entire life.
Reading the sample above, I doubt anyone would question my desire to go into English education; however, this is exactly the reason.
I’m a writer. I have always been a writer. Me not being able to spell the words I write did not and has not stopped that need and that desire to write out the stories in my head. I’m super lucky to have the technology I do becuase without it, I’d not be able to be understood by many.
I made over 200 dollars this month with my smut writting. I’m not kicking ass or anything, but I am proud to be making what I consider a significant amount of money.
I’m going to be prepping to participate in NaNoWriMo2023–a scheme to get my novel on paper in 30 days. I’m excited, but nervous. Writing outside the smut arena is dauntng.
But hell, I’m a writer. I have to try.
I was startled once when my pscyhiatrist told me how “performative” I was and that it was probably from my upbringing.
I’m reminded of that a lot in my day to day life because in part it is spent performing for everyone around me. But, why?
My shrink said it was because I have to perform to please my mother and father. I think that’s a fair assumption, but to be even more fair about it they pressed that adgenda as the improved version of what their parents did to them. In my youth, if I felt a strong emotion that was negative. Well, then “I shouldn’t feel that way because…REASON and LOGIC.” There was never really a “well, feelings are just there and trying to change them only makes them more complicated and icky.”
That lead me to the performance of who I am. Most of extravertedness is just an act to “integrate.” I enjoy it and am good at it to a certain point, but I’m at a place in my life now when it doesn’t serve me like it used to.
I quit a job after one day and I’m not proud of that.
I am proud that I’m not concerned with performing to please people at the cost of my body and mind.
I took a job as a canvasser for a GREAT cause (paid sick leave). I honestly thought that with my walking everyday I would be perfect for this roll. Unfortunately, I misjudged my ability. After four hours (our of six), my knee was aching with that “bone’s be tappin’” kind of pain. What sucks is that I could honestly do three to hours at a time—Like, no worries, but the level of physical pain/stress after that wasn’t worth it. Not even for 25 an hour.
I hate it because I think I’m good at canvassing. I don’t mind approaching people for a good cause and talking to them is easy. The walking. It’s the walking I can’t do anymore and if I think about it too much I feel like I’m becoming half a person.
Daddy is upset because I can’t see a doctor to adjust my brace or anything for another month and a half. He thinks it’s too long for me to be in pain becuase we’re hoping that with the re-evaluation they will just help me tighten up the brace I have or give me a new one.
The UnLoader brace works so well for me in my day to day life. I was telling daddy that I thought when I was down on the farm I had a good level of activity. I didn’t want to climb stairs anymore, but walking was okay and mostly good. If I can get back to that level after this setback (whatever I did to it by staying on it too long last night), I should be good for another few years.
Still, it felt good to get a job and get out of the house. I don’t want to let one disappointment strand me on the island of “I dan’t do anything because of my leg.”
I’ve discovered something about myself and my “book” writing. Please note: I say book but these are steamy/spicy chapters of characters that continue. I’ve got one book out there at almost 50k, but it’s a bundle of my shorter chapters that string together one story.
With that said, I’m super proud of myself for pulling the trigger on my writing and starting to earn money from my sales. Right now, I’m about able to keep up with my car payment every month (I can keep up with it, but I’ve stockpiled some money from previous months. This summer was kind of lean with two 150 dollar totals. That’s about half what I usually make.
August saw an uptick in sales and now, in September, stuff is flying off the shelves.
I’m super thankful for this journey. Two mornings ago, I was working in the basement and it occurred to me that what’ I’ve got that some don’t is the ability to act.
I personally think it’s an ability to feel little shame once Ive decided I shouldn’t. It got me thinking about the Trolley Dilemma of classic psychology fame.
I’ve always thought that the dilemma was to determine your underlining principles about the value of life (quality vs. quantity). However, I’ve recently discovered that It’s actually a test to see who will pull the lever for any result.
That means, to my great surprise, there’s a group of folks out there who will no pull the lever or make a choice and that’s their choice.
I once sat a kid down at Warwick and told them that one of the keys to life is to grab it before it grabs you. Before you allow it to start making choices for you, you have to go out and own your own choices. They may be wrong, but by goodness it’s better than having circumstances dictate things.
That’s kind of where I am with the writing. I’m not writing “what I want” yet; that’s okay. I’m learning about plotting, beats, cover creation, trends, marketing, and yes, dogmatic grind writing.
So, going back to the trolly. Am I a person who acts. I really hate sitting on the sidelines. Some of it is “main character’ syndrome. I’m aware of that. But some it if lies in this irresistible urge to DO something. Anything—while I have time left on earth.
I’m leaving the farm this week. It’s been quite the run, but I’m ready for a break back home. I’ll be returning sooner rather than later as fall is a big time on the farm and there are things needing planting here in South Mississippi.
Thanks for reading. Here’s come pics to keep ya happy!
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