I was startled once when my pscyhiatrist told me how “performative” I was and that it was probably from my upbringing.
I’m reminded of that a lot in my day to day life because in part it is spent performing for everyone around me. But, why?
My shrink said it was because I have to perform to please my mother and father. I think that’s a fair assumption, but to be even more fair about it they pressed that adgenda as the improved version of what their parents did to them. In my youth, if I felt a strong emotion that was negative. Well, then “I shouldn’t feel that way because…REASON and LOGIC.” There was never really a “well, feelings are just there and trying to change them only makes them more complicated and icky.”
That lead me to the performance of who I am. Most of extravertedness is just an act to “integrate.” I enjoy it and am good at it to a certain point, but I’m at a place in my life now when it doesn’t serve me like it used to.
I quit a job after one day and I’m not proud of that.
I am proud that I’m not concerned with performing to please people at the cost of my body and mind.
I took a job as a canvasser for a GREAT cause (paid sick leave). I honestly thought that with my walking everyday I would be perfect for this roll. Unfortunately, I misjudged my ability. After four hours (our of six), my knee was aching with that “bone’s be tappin’” kind of pain. What sucks is that I could honestly do three to hours at a time—Like, no worries, but the level of physical pain/stress after that wasn’t worth it. Not even for 25 an hour.
I hate it because I think I’m good at canvassing. I don’t mind approaching people for a good cause and talking to them is easy. The walking. It’s the walking I can’t do anymore and if I think about it too much I feel like I’m becoming half a person.
Daddy is upset because I can’t see a doctor to adjust my brace or anything for another month and a half. He thinks it’s too long for me to be in pain becuase we’re hoping that with the re-evaluation they will just help me tighten up the brace I have or give me a new one.
The UnLoader brace works so well for me in my day to day life. I was telling daddy that I thought when I was down on the farm I had a good level of activity. I didn’t want to climb stairs anymore, but walking was okay and mostly good. If I can get back to that level after this setback (whatever I did to it by staying on it too long last night), I should be good for another few years.
Still, it felt good to get a job and get out of the house. I don’t want to let one disappointment strand me on the island of “I dan’t do anything because of my leg.”
I’ve discovered something about myself and my “book” writing. Please note: I say book but these are steamy/spicy chapters of characters that continue. I’ve got one book out there at almost 50k, but it’s a bundle of my shorter chapters that string together one story.
With that said, I’m super proud of myself for pulling the trigger on my writing and starting to earn money from my sales. Right now, I’m about able to keep up with my car payment every month (I can keep up with it, but I’ve stockpiled some money from previous months. This summer was kind of lean with two 150 dollar totals. That’s about half what I usually make.
August saw an uptick in sales and now, in September, stuff is flying off the shelves.
I’m super thankful for this journey. Two mornings ago, I was working in the basement and it occurred to me that what’ I’ve got that some don’t is the ability to act.
I personally think it’s an ability to feel little shame once Ive decided I shouldn’t. It got me thinking about the Trolley Dilemma of classic psychology fame.
I’ve always thought that the dilemma was to determine your underlining principles about the value of life (quality vs. quantity). However, I’ve recently discovered that It’s actually a test to see who will pull the lever for any result.
That means, to my great surprise, there’s a group of folks out there who will no pull the lever or make a choice and that’s their choice.
I once sat a kid down at Warwick and told them that one of the keys to life is to grab it before it grabs you. Before you allow it to start making choices for you, you have to go out and own your own choices. They may be wrong, but by goodness it’s better than having circumstances dictate things.
That’s kind of where I am with the writing. I’m not writing “what I want” yet; that’s okay. I’m learning about plotting, beats, cover creation, trends, marketing, and yes, dogmatic grind writing.
So, going back to the trolly. Am I a person who acts. I really hate sitting on the sidelines. Some of it is “main character’ syndrome. I’m aware of that. But some it if lies in this irresistible urge to DO something. Anything—while I have time left on earth.
I’m leaving the farm this week. It’s been quite the run, but I’m ready for a break back home. I’ll be returning sooner rather than later as fall is a big time on the farm and there are things needing planting here in South Mississippi.
Thanks for reading. Here’s come pics to keep ya happy!
Recently (about a hear ago), my husband was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you know anything about BPD, you know one of the things that makes it soooo hard to work within is that the victim at their core, often doesn’t want their disorder or dynamic to change.
I’ve often wondered about that. If it’s so horribly painful, maybe folks are so scarred by trauma, they are actually better off than where they were?
I wrote about the fence last week. This week the fence is what has caused a major rift between us. We had a big problem with the placement of a post near a tree that already had a footing (in cement) beneath it. While we were looking at it, I put forward some options, and he didn’t really seem happy so I told him, “we can do whatever you want to do with it.” And I meant it.
He said, “I have a plan.” And went out to look at the footing. I went out to the patio and all i heard when he spoke was “Well, that won’t work.”
Apparently, he then said, “I’ll have to use the auger.” I did not hear that.
Well, with me trying to continue to be the good and perfect wife who helps with construction projects, I started looking for ideas for him. I called daddy and when he didn’t answer, I posted to Reddit.
In his BPD brain, all that meant that I did not have confidence in him as a person to fix the problem with the fence.
I have a lot of confidence in my husband. In my head, I was bringing him ideas so that he could pick the ones he liked best and we could move from there. I do this a lot. I’m a very very good lieutenant trying to keep everyone informed of potential options.
He exploded on me in the car about this when I finally got tired of the silent treatment saying how I was controlling and taking over everything.
I had a very bad emotional reaction that culminated with me trying to figure out if I needed to get out of the car. It was so out of left field from EVERYTHING i thought was happening around me.
I had that reaction because he blamed me for a completely invented scenario in his head.
However, having a reason for a bad emotional reaction to his splitting is not an excuse. It is simply a response to being accused of something incredibly nefarious that I was innocent of and I could have totally handled that better.
I can choose better responses.
I can also educate myself to splitting and call it out when it happens in his head. I try to remember at times like that he is literally calling me something I’m not. Just like if he called me a giraffe. I do think he is capable. I was trying to help him like I have for this entire project.
Again. I have culpability. I reacted poorly.
When I asked why he waited an entire hour with us sitting in silence to mention anything, he said, “well, you always react like this so what choice do I have.”
So, all that was Sunday. Yesterday, I went about my day. Aurora and I cleaned, cooked dinner, and did laundry. He didn’t call. He texted twice (telling me he was thinking of me too and then to ask how my afternoon was).
When he got home, I thought we would be able to talk about it and hash it out.
He said he was tired of working on it and that I’m the only one in the relationship that isn’t happy this resolution.
So I told him that I thought that I could do a better job controlling my emotions when he is having an episode. He said that would be fine.
then, he went back to looking at his phone.
When I asked what he was planning to do to try to ensure this didn’t happen again, I was told “I’ve decided I should speak up sooner and tell you when I’m having a problem.”
That’s it. That’s what he’s going to do. Tell me sooner how controlling and horrible I am.
Not look at why he demonized me.
I guess that’s a starting place and I really can’t complain, but it makes me wanna cry and hide and not do anymore for myself or anyone else.
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It’s not surprise to anyone reading this that I’ve had difficulties in my marriage. I mean, shocker—being married to me is not easy. I am loud, brash, uncouth, and gregarious.
FD and I have had many many struggles mostly revolving around communication. We both come to ther relationship with preformed notions, and after 10 years or so, those come to the surface more frequently.
The difference this time is that we talked about things. Granted, it was him who brought it up about his expectations for the fence and his worry about finishing it. I got mad at him at first because I thought he was insinuated that I didn’t care about the fence like he did.
He wasn’t saying that, he was trying to establish expectations because I had been super excited about the Barbie movie and wanting to go hang out and do some whitewater.
Well, I think I did a better time hearing him on this one because we’ve made a lot of progress and he’s super happy with the project and the timeline.
I forget the benefits of what I can bring to a project. I may be loud and brash and uncouth, but I also am a reallly good logistic planner and have a knack for organizing a workflow. Not everyone has that and it’s quite the needed thing on a construction site.
So, hearing me and realizing how I was struggling, Doug has refused to let me trip subjects that are hard for me to talk about. For example, If I see something I think might be wrong, I say something, but if he has trouble understanding me, I give up really quickly and say, well, you must be right because I’m insecure about my ideas.
Doug has started refusing to continue the project until he understands my ideas and can alley any concerns.
Sometimes, he can’t because I’m seeing an actually problem that needs to be addressed in the build. Sometimes, I’m confused on the final specs, but honestly, it’s usually more me seeing a problem and Doug refusing to move until he sees what I see.
That has been incredibly positive. Now, don’t get me wrong. It feels super co-dependent. I think I’m the one that needs to make sure I don’t back down until I’m satisfied it was a perspective issue on my part.
I’m far too quick to say, oh, I’m wrong and then it works out I’m not actually wrong and if I fought for my idea we’d all be better off.
That’s been really interesting to learn about myself. I think it was Michael who said, “you’re the most secure insecure person I’ve ever met.”
I’m pretty sure what that translates to is, “you’re the most extroverted insecure person I’ve ever met.”
Oh, well. Another week. Hoping to see Barbie this weekend in the theatres and also hoping to get some physical rest!!
This is my Cat nut.
I found it while walking to the library in a snow storm in Virginia almost ten years ago. It looks as if it was shered on the back like some massive beast snapped in two in her gaping maw.
When I found it, it was a wonder to me. Wow. How much force did that take? Cool.
And then a thought struck me, if there was force like this in the world, then there was force enough in me to run a 5k.
Yeah, nuts. Truely, perfrectly insane.
That’s life with Santha. So started my running carreer that ended with the Black Squierll Triathalon.
I enjoyed the runner’s high, but my knees did not. Now that I’m 40 pounds lighter than I was in Virginia, I’m sad that my knees are gone. The doctor says they are only gone from running, so walking and hiking are my best options (well, and swimming and boating and water stuff).
Anyway, back to the Cat nut. For me, it was an inspiration and remider that all is possible in this world. Powerful forces lurk everywhere—even on the walk to the library.
This week, I am throwing it out.
I can have the memory without having the object. Metaphysically, I never “have” the object to begin with as all possessions are really just “rented” while we are here on the earth.
I credit this to Dorian. She had begun a “cleaning out” journey before she passed on to glory. I remember she even threw out her unicorn stuffed animal that sat on her bed for almost her entire life.
I cried when she told me she threw it out. It represented something, maybe an innocence, from our childhood…when we were both perfect, loved and protected children.
I still have all my dolls and could not bear to part with them yet (I tried for the garage sale; didn’t take). I want to be like Dorian and live completely in the present.
I’m not there yet.
Such Sadness. Ugh. Alright…here’s something that’s been making me super happy….
I’ve been away from writing and the blogs for over a month now. I’ve made all the excuses in my head, but none of them really account for the lack of posting.
My friend K and I made big bucks at our garage sale, and I was able to get rid of a lot of extra junk. The rest is in the process of migrating to GoodWill after a massive donation to the paralyzed vets. We were hampered by rain the second day. I figure if we had better weather we would have made more, but I topped out over 300 American dollars, so I was please.
They say pictures are worth a thousand words. Hopefully these will suffice as an explanation of why I have been gone for so long.
Gardens of flowers, garage sales, two-day drives, family time, beach time, day drinking time, paddling and eating sea food. That’s about it actually.
On the education front, I’m gettin great to go into OLLI to put in the outlines for fall’s classes. Daddy and I are going to team up and teach iMovie on iOS and OS. I’m also hoping to put together a publishing class and a device class to teach the Apple product line.
Sales of the books are super slow right now. That fact coupled with the fact I have not published is really hurting my revenue. Hoping I can pick up some odd jobs between now and the next big publication push.
This selfie was taken this week. I was showing Leonard that he left his hat on the new patio.
All and all, it’s been nice settling back into life in Omaha. Reflecting on the Olli world and the paychecks, I’m going to skip this summer and concentrate on applying for the Apple Device class in the Fall. Two five week classes should be about what I need to survive monetarily.
Book life is good. I really enjoy coming back to Omaha because I have time to organize my schedule to best suite my writing needs. Now that I have a sort of pattern, I can write and publish every week when I’m here (as opposed to every two weeks when I’m in Mississippi). That house job just takes sooooo much time.
Speaking of time, I’ve noticed that my writing takes up my morning almost completely. I mean, I have to take care of my teeth and skin, walk the dogs and feed myself, but other than that, I’m writing and working on some form of the publishing business from about 8 a.m. until noonish. I set my lunchtime at 11:00 because I can feel my brain starting to fry at that point.
I’ll snack and lie down for 30-45 min and then hit it with the house chores.
I’m concentrating on getting things together for a yard sale at the beginning of next month. We REALLY need to clean out. I’ve got such a big list for that project. HA!
Yes, I understand I just posted that I was finally starting to settle in in Mississippi. Now, I am back home in Nebraska.
I got in on Thursday of last week and Doug was sweet enough to take the day off and stay home on Friday with me. We had such a good time playing video games and hanging out. I think I played about 8 hours of Ghost between Saturday and Sunday. It was just nice to lose myself in a game for a while.
That relaxation always comes at a cost, though. I haven't published in about two weeks and I'm getting itchy. Don't get me wrong, I've made my goal for this month monetarily, I'm just stuck trying to increase that model for next month and creating something entirely new.
I guess I reached a pretty good milestone of publishing my series, so that's good. I'm also consistently making my bank every month now, so that's nice.
I'm actually considering branching out in to sci-fi with the next publication, so that should be interesting.
Anyway, back home, hope to be publishing soon. Here's some pics of the last few weeks.
This past Sunday I attended the men’s breakfast at the church. It was a special Sunday because Daddy had the service (as lay human) about Socrates. It’s been quite a road gettin ready for the presentation, but I have to say he did a great job editing and working in iMovie on the iPad.
That program is just so powerful and I’m glad he conquered it with little difficulty.
Tomorrow is the last class in Hattiesburg at Olli. I just got the email today that clips made on the coast (meaning we have at least ten registered for the class). That should be fun. Clips is so fast to learn and also a powerhouse in the Apple native suite. I don’t have that much use for Clips since I left education, but I can so so many social media uses for it.
Made my third month’s car payment writing so “who-hoooo” me! Now to build up three months in reserve and continue to build the catalogue at a steady pace. My son Aaron finally gave me a manuscript to edit and publish, so that’s going to be fun, I think. I wanna make him some coin (and take a small percentage for packaging—momma don’t work for free)—which is sad, but very very true).
Momma is doing okay. Caretaking is a lot more work and emotion than I thought at first. Now that I’m within one month of a year of service, I can see how tedious and taxing this role is on me and my family. It’s not fair to Doug and Arora that I’m here. I hope they see the sacrifice of my time like it do—an investment in the future—that I can’t talk about because it upsets Momma.
I guess I never really considered how lonely it is out here on the hill.
On the good side of the news, I found a source for eggs. I haven’t had real fresh eggs since I worked at Logan and paid the woman 20 dollars a month for whatever she had as leftovers every week. I usually ended up with two to three dozen a month. Very much more expensive, but I honestly consider the product worth it. They simply look and taste sooooo much better. It’s in the yokes. They are richer and creamer from ranging chickens.
anyway, the man a church said he only charges three a dozen, but that is an outright travesty. Free range eggs from chickens who are considered his “girls,” are pretty much priceless in my book.
I’ve had to dip into deep savings and cash out some gold. Why you ask? Simple. I live in America and in order to stay healthy so that I can work, I have to pay a lot of money. My pelvic floor reconstruction is going to be about 2k out of pocket on top of the 1k from physical therapy. Good thing we top out at 3,500 for our insurance plan (per person). I’ve worked for this country’s future my entire adult life. Now, I am caring for my parents and dependent on my sweet husband to pay my medical expenses.
I had to move to Mark Cuban’s drugs because I simply can’t afford Walgreens anymore. And that’s just the way it is in America. It’s not like this in England. It’s not like this in Canada and it’s not like this in most first world countries. Here, it’s legal and considered morally okay for drug makers to hike prices for life-saving drugs—after all, capitalism says you aren’t doing good unless you are making money for the shareholders—and it has to be more money each and every month.
It’s sad, but it is what it is. Rant against capitalism over. I guess I’m just having a sadder day than usual. Best to not dwell on it. Breath and move on.
I started this blog to write about Sunday. The long and the short of that was, I’m settling into life in Mississippi and am even starting to look forward to things like the Men’s breakfast at church—I really like the waffles and bacon. They are really really good every single time.
And, that’s nice.
The side hustle of writing is starting to pay off to the point that I’m considering bumping up my schedule to once a week publications.
The problem with that is that it will take time away from teaching and teaching prep. However, to be fair, teaching ain’t really paying the car payment, so a change of focus for me may just solve two issues at once (new job + more income than what I make now).
I think the biggest issue art stake is the “worth” question. When I substitute teach for June County, I take home about 65 dollars for about 8.5 hours work. That’s 7.64 an hour. Other work pays better (18 an hour), but those classes take a good bit of prep work to do well.
Well, at least that’s above minimum wage? Yeah, when I write, I’m making almost triple that per hour. It just makes sense—right?
That means a major rescheduling and rearranging of my daily schedule and work outline down here in the South. According to my notes, I’ve got about four weeks before I HAVE to publish again to keep making money.
On the “Goals from the Beginning of the Year” front, I’ve conquered the three months consistently making my car payment from my writing. My next goal is to accumulate three months of car payments in the bank so that when I can’t make the money that month, I can fall back. I think if I keep publishing at least every two weeks, that’s a reasonable goal. I’m not consistently writing 2k a day (sorry Stephen King!). I am upping my writing of what I call “quickies” that I publish on the other writing website to draw traffic. That has definitely helped move eyes to the webpage, so I’m going to keep doing that.
Here are the most recent images from the farm
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