Recently (about a hear ago), my husband was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you know anything about BPD, you know one of the things that makes it soooo hard to work within is that the victim at their core, often doesn’t want their disorder or dynamic to change.
I’ve often wondered about that. If it’s so horribly painful, maybe folks are so scarred by trauma, they are actually better off than where they were?
I wrote about the fence last week. This week the fence is what has caused a major rift between us. We had a big problem with the placement of a post near a tree that already had a footing (in cement) beneath it. While we were looking at it, I put forward some options, and he didn’t really seem happy so I told him, “we can do whatever you want to do with it.” And I meant it.
He said, “I have a plan.” And went out to look at the footing. I went out to the patio and all i heard when he spoke was “Well, that won’t work.”
Apparently, he then said, “I’ll have to use the auger.” I did not hear that.
Well, with me trying to continue to be the good and perfect wife who helps with construction projects, I started looking for ideas for him. I called daddy and when he didn’t answer, I posted to Reddit.
In his BPD brain, all that meant that I did not have confidence in him as a person to fix the problem with the fence.
I have a lot of confidence in my husband. In my head, I was bringing him ideas so that he could pick the ones he liked best and we could move from there. I do this a lot. I’m a very very good lieutenant trying to keep everyone informed of potential options.
He exploded on me in the car about this when I finally got tired of the silent treatment saying how I was controlling and taking over everything.
I had a very bad emotional reaction that culminated with me trying to figure out if I needed to get out of the car. It was so out of left field from EVERYTHING i thought was happening around me.
I had that reaction because he blamed me for a completely invented scenario in his head.
However, having a reason for a bad emotional reaction to his splitting is not an excuse. It is simply a response to being accused of something incredibly nefarious that I was innocent of and I could have totally handled that better.
I can choose better responses.
I can also educate myself to splitting and call it out when it happens in his head. I try to remember at times like that he is literally calling me something I’m not. Just like if he called me a giraffe. I do think he is capable. I was trying to help him like I have for this entire project.
Again. I have culpability. I reacted poorly.
When I asked why he waited an entire hour with us sitting in silence to mention anything, he said, “well, you always react like this so what choice do I have.”
So, all that was Sunday. Yesterday, I went about my day. Aurora and I cleaned, cooked dinner, and did laundry. He didn’t call. He texted twice (telling me he was thinking of me too and then to ask how my afternoon was).
When he got home, I thought we would be able to talk about it and hash it out.
He said he was tired of working on it and that I’m the only one in the relationship that isn’t happy this resolution.
So I told him that I thought that I could do a better job controlling my emotions when he is having an episode. He said that would be fine.
then, he went back to looking at his phone.
When I asked what he was planning to do to try to ensure this didn’t happen again, I was told “I’ve decided I should speak up sooner and tell you when I’m having a problem.”
That’s it. That’s what he’s going to do. Tell me sooner how controlling and horrible I am.
Not look at why he demonized me.
I guess that’s a starting place and I really can’t complain, but it makes me wanna cry and hide and not do anymore for myself or anyone else.
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