Performative Personality

I was startled once when my pscyhiatrist told me how “performative” I was and that it was probably from my upbringing.  

I’m reminded of that a lot in my day to day life because in part it is spent performing for everyone around me.  But, why?  

My shrink said it was because I have to perform to please my mother and father.  I think that’s a fair assumption, but to be even more fair about it they pressed that adgenda as the improved version of what their parents did to them.  In my youth, if I felt a strong emotion that was negative.  Well, then “I shouldn’t feel that way because…REASON and LOGIC.”  There was never really a “well, feelings are just there and trying to change them only makes them more complicated and icky.”

That lead me to the performance of who I am.  Most of extravertedness is just an act to “integrate.”  I enjoy it and am good at it to a certain point, but I’m at a place in my life now when it doesn’t serve me like it used to.  

I quit a job after one day and I’m not proud of that.  

I am proud that I’m not concerned with performing to please people at the cost of my body and mind.  

I took a job as a canvasser for a GREAT cause (paid sick leave).  I honestly thought that with my walking everyday I would be perfect for this roll.  Unfortunately, I misjudged my ability.  After four hours (our of six), my knee was aching with that “bone’s be tappin’” kind of pain.  What sucks is that I could honestly do three to hours at a time—Like, no worries, but the level of physical pain/stress after that wasn’t worth it. Not even for 25 an hour.

I hate it because I think I’m good at canvassing.  I don’t mind approaching people for a good cause and talking to them is easy.  The walking.  It’s the walking I can’t do anymore and if I think about it too much I feel like I’m becoming half a person.

Daddy is upset because I can’t see a doctor to adjust my brace or anything for another month and a half. He thinks it’s too long for me to be in pain becuase we’re hoping that with the re-evaluation they will just help me tighten up the brace I have or give me a new one.  

The UnLoader brace works so well for me in my day to day life.  I was telling daddy that I thought when I was down on the farm I had a good level of activity.  I didn’t want to climb stairs anymore, but walking was okay and mostly good.  If I can get back to that level after this setback (whatever I did to it by staying on it too long last night), I should be good for another few years.  

Still, it felt good to get a job and get out of the house.  I don’t want to let one disappointment strand me on the island of “I dan’t do anything because of my leg.”